Don't Call Her Tammy

TAMIASCIURUS - The Pine Squirrel genus, containing three species native to North America. You cannot own an actual pine squirrel, because it is illegal to own a native species of wild animal. But apparently you can own non-native species of wild animal. This is what my friend Brian of Clone Press tells me. He's the proud papa of Rodney, a rescue squirrel, not native. Unfortunately, I do not have a photo of Rodney, but I assure you he is very cute and squirrel-like. Rodney's gonna live to be like 20 years old or something. That's the life expectancy of a squirrel who lives inside a human's house. The life expectancy of a squirrel outside a human's house: about three years. Leading cause of death: Michelins. That's another science fact from Brian. Brian printed THIS and THIS. He's also the person who, a few years ago, told me about this:

Zardoz, pioneer of the futuristic man onesie craze. Fashion tour de force.

The moral of this story is clear. If you want to own a pine squirrel, you need to do the right thing and buy this one. This squirrel has a life expectancy of 100+ years. (Take that, all other squirrels! Native, non-native, captive, or otherwise.) Buy it for yourself. Buy it for your niece. Buy it for a loved one for Christmas. You can even Like her on Facebook! Come on, now.  It's only $25. Treat yo'self.